They are following you your footsteps.
Are we teaching people to trust their own judgment, or to question it?
It's a question I've found myself coming back to since the International Coaching Federation Summit last week.
As the father of a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, it hits close to home. I want my girls to grow up confident in themselves and their ideas. And yet there are plenty of moments when I wish they'd just do what I ask.
This came out of a five-minute conversation at the end of day two. As we packed up, I asked the woman next to me, a new friend for all of 45 minutes, what the most valuable thing she'd learned that day was. She flipped through her notes and pointed to a session on how young children see intelligence.
At five, boys and girls were equally likely to think someone "really, really smart" was the same gender as them. By six, girls were noticeably less likely to think so, and showed less interest in activities described as being for "really smart" kids.
They didn't need anyone to tell them they weren't smart. They were already forming beliefs about who was.
My oldest has just come through that window. My youngest is about to walk into it. Both have no trouble voicing their opinions. But a loud voice isn't the same as believing you're smart or capable. That belief is shaped by what you experience, not just what you're told.
I also see this time and time again in different organizations. People are constantly learning what's expected of them, often from signals no one intended to send.
Most leaders I work with don't want a culture of compliance. They want growth. They want their people to take ownership, take initiative, and speak up.
Then someone makes a call differently than they would have, and the first question is, "Why didn't you check with me?" Someone challenges a decision that's been made, and they get ten minutes explaining why they're wrong. A half-formed idea is floated in a meeting, and it gets picked apart before it has a chance to become a full one.
None of that sounds like "just do what I say." But people notice what happens.
This isn't an argument against standards. Every business needs reliable execution, and not every decision is up for debate. The question is whether people know where their judgment is expected, and whether using it is worth the risk.
Nobody has to tell someone to stop thinking for themselves. They just need to make it a little less worthwhile each time they try.
Think about the people you lead.
What are they learning from you?
Not from what you say, but from what happens when they try.